Andy Murray's "I'm going to kill Sooz" tennis match

It was only the fourth round! It wasn't the final, it wasn't the semi-finals, it wasn't the quarter-finals. It was the fourth round!!!! AND I don't care as much about Andy Murray as I did about Tiger Tim. So why in the fifth set was I on the edge of my seat going "I CAN'T WATCH! HOWARD I CAN'T WATCH! CHANGE THE CHANNEL. NO DON'T! I HAVE TO SEE HOW THIS GAME TURNS OUT...."? Nail biting terror, crippling hope and personal anger formed a tight little bunch in my stomach for the entirety of the 5th set. So many times I was sure he had lost his mental strength, something Warwinka never lost, not even when Murray broke his serve to make the score 5-4 in the final set. Ugh, I never want to go through last night again, not unless it's the final and he wins.

Stupid Murray.

Gonna tell you once again...who's dead?

OK, so I'm not going to make a load of bad Jacko-death jokes because they've been done to death (no pun intended) and that's not what this is about. But I'm going to blog about Michael Jackson's death. I bet I'm one of only a handful of people who will do so too.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a kind blog about celebrities I hate and Jacko was amongst them. I, like many civilised people with half a clue, believe he was guilty of child abuse. Why did he pay off families that accused him of abusing their kids rather than take them to court? Why did he sue people who accused him of selling his costumes, but not people who accused him of being a peado? "He was found innocent!". Yeah, just like OJ. Anyway, I think "Michael Jackson" I think "peadophile made out of white blu-tac" and as much as I can enjoy dancing to Thriller and Blame It On The Boogie and...I dunno...Boogie Wonderland or whatever he sang, I can't get past the whole child molesting thing. YET THE FANS CAN! Yes, I know a few fans who admitted in the past that they're sure Jacko was guilty who are now angrily internet-screaming at anyone who dares not to be respectful and devastated. Because Bad was a good album. Fatty Arbuckle's career was ruined when he got accused (and then proved innocent) of raping and killing a girl at a party. Why is MJ still so revered?

The outpouring of grief on Facebook, Twitter and the rest of the internet, TV, papers (oh yeah, the media) has been nothing short of sickening. He died of a heart attack addicted to painkillers a virtual recluse. Where is the immense shock and mourning coming from? The coverage is as if Obama just got assassinated. A man who hasn't performed a live show in something like 15+ years and hasn't released any new music in nearly a decade has died. Surely the mourning period should be pretty much over. And don't get me started on the deluded people who actually spent money on concert tickets for concerts they believed were a) worth going to see and b) would happen.

So I'm going to finish this blog by mourning the death of the greatest showman, the greatest musical god to grace the pop charts, the most fantastic voice that ever lived. RIP Freddie Mercury. We still miss you. I still love you.

Win-bledon.

It's Wimbledon time again! I love Wimbledon so much, it's a summer highlight every year. As English as strawberries and cream, the St George cross and cups of tea by a red post box as Alan Bennett recites a Shakespearian sonnet from the inside of an MG Midget.

I fell in love with Wimbledon when I was 11 during the 1996 Wimbledon championships. The reason was one player...Tim Henman. It wasn't a crush, I was too young for that. I just got right into the public hysteria that was early Henmania. The press had caught on to this new young player who had climbed 200 places up the world rankings in 2 years. Suddenly Britain had their first big hope for a Wimbledon champ in nearly 20 years. I'm nothing if not loyal so my belief and admiration for Tiger Tim didn't wane in over a decade. I was always the person who stood up to armchair pundits who spouted cliches such as, "he just doesn't want it enough". The golden age was 1996-2004 when Tim reached 4 quarter finals and 4 semi finals, almost always going out to the eventual winner. Doesn't sound like an average player, an underachiever or a bottler does it? But the British love to put our own down and unless our sportsmen are winning everything they are easy to label as "shit".

Well I'm pledging my allegiance to the Henman! My point is that, for me, Tim was Wimbledon. He made me take notice of the tournament, he was a great player who carried British tennis on his shoulders for a decade, he showed amazing grace under pressure and he brought the country together once a year in a way that could only be matched by England in the World Cup. And there will always be an England FC, but there will only ever be one Tim Henman.

I wish so much still that he'd been able to get that last ounce of luck that was all he required to finally win Wimbledon. I miss the way we had a British player who seemed to claw his way to near-victory with spirit and determination alone. I'd love to see Andy Murray win Wimbledon, it would be fantastic and he surely will win in the next 5 years. But something just isn't the same....Tim seemed to have to work harder to achieve the levels of greatness that Murray can and had a vulnerability Murray lacks. Yes, Andy is a better player. But if he wins Wimbledon next week I just won't be lifted in the same way I would have been in Tim had gone that one stage further and won. So this sycophantic blog salutes you Tim Henman. For me British tennis will always make me think, "Come on, Tim!".

Sunburn....first for ages!

It's 2 years since I was last sunburnt and today marks a special occasion for my skin. My back is hot, red and will peel away like a snakeskin in a few days time. I won't post any pictures. I won't be wearing anything that shows any of my back for a good week or so.

You may think the above is dull and unnecessary but that sums me up perfectly.

Funny how?

11 gigs in and I'm still loving stand-up which is good news because it's going rather well. I thought I'd self-promote here in my bloggy-bloggy because it could double my fanbase seeing as as many as 5 people read it.

I've embedded (OW!) 2 videos for you to be disgusted by below. Laugh, cry, be sick in your handbag and pick saliva and food from your beard as you get irritated by them. And...watch!





There...don't you feel better now? Bye bye.

Celebs I hate

I got accused last week of "hating everyone". My best friend said, "Sooz, you hate everyone!". He has a point, there are lots of celebrities that make me get a bee in my bonnet. I'm going to list them for you now. They're not people like Nick Griffin and Robert Mugabe because it goes without saying that they're hateful. I'm leaving politicians out of it. My list is people that are annoying but in most cases harmless. And boy do I hate them.

Nigella Lawson - The sexiest chef in all the land is actually a botoxed, fillered woman who has her Spanx so tight she can barely breathe. Add to that the fact that her insipid face, voice and dialogue surely make the average person's teeth shatter and splinter in their mouth and you have a thoroughly hateable woman. Her shows broadcast over Christmas 2008 were probably the worst yet. All of the above was nail-squeakingly present but there were also terrible contrived scenes of her and her 'friends' enjoying endless parties. Her 'friends' were cunningly all actors we've never seen on TV before, and WOW they just LOVED Nigella's incredible cooking. Then there was a horrific scripted scene where she pretended to have a hangover the following morning. I won't lie to you, I threw a yogurt pot at the screen. Finally, I'm always wary of any woman who spends time going "I'm so incredibly beautiful and sexy". It's like a comedian going "I'm so fucking funny, I'm just a hilarious human being". It's arrogant even if it's true. And sorry Nigella, but in your case it isn't.

Nikki Grahame - Yes, I know she's barely on anyone's radar anymore but I CAN'T STAND HER! The worst Big Brother contestant of all time (and that's saying something) has managed to carve a career out of being everyone's most hated 5 year old. I cemented my hatred when someone said that I looked like her...and thought they were paying me a compliment! The emaciated-pig face, the screw-on boobs, the matchstick thighs and arms....I sincerely hope I look nothing like her. She went from annoying to plain weird and back again during what was otherwise a cracking series of Big Brother in 2006.

Gary Rhodes - Seriously, what a prat. No sense of humour and an irritatingly good body with his prepostorous head full of shit stuck on the top. The man cannot take a joke and has a false and Nigella-ish presenting style that makes me imagine all his food tastes a bit like sick.

Katie Price - My disgust at the thing that was Jordan and is now apparently Jordan with her real name has never been disguised. It's more her hype that winds me up than her....she appears to be famous because she hides nothing of her life and has had several boob jobs. I wouldn't have a problem with any of this if she had the slightest hint of a personality but she is charmless, dull and devoid of wit. Yet believes herself to be Angelina Jolie and more when she is inevitably discovered by Hollywood. People tell me that she is a "shrewd businesswoman" but I disagree with that. Not only has public opinion revealed itself to be firmly against her in the wake of her marriage breakdown (wow, who saw that coming) but she has failed at plenty of things she was so sure she'd be a pro at. Singing for example. She has tried to make it as a singer since before she was a glamour model. And proved to be terrible at it. And then there's dressage. If her own hype is to be believed she is a professional contender in the dressage world. Well as a member of the dressage world I can say that she has entered one competition at amateur level so far in her fight for 2012 Olympic team status. She came 6th. On an extremely talented horse. The woman is a bad rider with an excellent trainer (and I know for a fact the affair rumours are laughable and probably started by Jordan herself). Her star is very much on the wane and thank fuck for that.

Michael Jackson (and his rabid fans) - All I'll say is that just because a man wrote Man In The Mirror it doesn't mean he isn't a peadophile with a face made out of white Blu-Tac.

Kelly Brook - This probably isn't hate....more irritation. She has virtually no talent and has an annoying loud personality that puts me in mind of a grating 16 year old head girl at a public school. She looks fantastic and has built a career on it which would be fine if she had anything interesting to say...but she doesn't. Also, I didn't like it when she was on Strictly Come Dancing, apparently dancing for the very first time, when I knew she'd studied dance for 5 years at drama school.

Charlotte Church - Ah, where to start. Here is a girl who at 12-ish was handed a career because her voice had matured early. By the time she was 16 she had grown 4 years older but her voice had remained the same and at 18 she was just a soprano who was famous when actually I heard an expert say there were probably 1000 other young sopranos in the UK who are better than her. I don't find her funny or sharp, just mouthy and rude. And that handy smoking habit appears to have fucked her voice up for good. But nevermind, at least she has that brilliant TV show....oh no wait, it's shit.

Jim Davidson - Married 4 times, divorced 4 times (including once for being violent towards his partner), it's everyone's favourite homophobic racist drastically unfunny stand-up comedian. Unbelievably there are still fans but I can't think about him without remembering BBC Saturday night entertainment shows Big Break and The Generation Game which in my childhood made Davidson a regular fixture in my house. Even then I found him vaguely annoying...and now that I know he's also a gay-hating racist wife-beater I can full-on hate him. Also, remember that advert where he said "if you trade in your car we could give you a thaaasand paaands"? Yeah, Jim Davidson, what a cunt. Maybe he doesn't belong in this list because every reasonable person hates him anyway.

So there you have it. Celebrity hate....done.

Hitler is my home boy

I got my brother a very uplifting and light-hearted Birthday present.....it's a 5 hour documentary called 'Auschwitz'. What with my constant tongue-in-cheek (TONGUE IN CHEEK FOR FUCK'S SAKE!) references to the BNP on Facebook and my DVD purchase I wouldn't be surprised if I was arrested in the next few days and charged with incitement of racial hatred. To combat this I have dyed my hair black, done it in a comb-over and grown my moustache in an attractive 'central' position. I think it will have the desired effect as who couldn't love a girl dressed up as Charlie Chaplin?

The Boyler has Boyled over

So Susan Boyle has lost it....both her mind and Britain's Got Talent. I never had a problem with SuBo or her voice. I thought she was quite good. But when the unbelievable worldwide hype began I couldn't help being a little annoyed. "She's the world's ugliest woman!". Really? I always felt she was a frumpy Mum's mate-type woman. She's not ugly, she's just not a stunner. And anyway, people getting all orgasmic because a non-beautiful woman is on telly singing are just as bad as people who think only beautiful people should be singers. They're still making the looks an issue. "She has the world's greatest voice!". No...she doesn't. I don't know how many ways I can explain to morons that Susan Boyle's voice isn't all that brilliant but....it just isn't. Her diction wavers, her timing is often bad and her tuning can be dubious. She's a decent amateur. I sound patronising and ZOMG jealous to the people who have bought into Boyle being a rare talent, better than Elaine Page and Barbra Stresiand. If I was jealous I'd probably also find reasons to slag off every female singer from Whitney Houston to Celine Dion to Amy Winehouse. But anyway, when SuBo returned for the semi-finals and pretty much murdered 'Memory' a few people went "hmmm, maybe she wasn't as good as we first thought" and in the final, surrounded by acts who were more interesting and talented, and minus her first audition's fabricated shock-value she wasn't so special.

When they announced the (extremely worthy, talented and exciting) winners and Susan came 2nd I felt she took it graciously. However she looked kind of....deranged. Ant and Dec had to practically frog-march her off the stage when it looked like she was going to flash her vag (in a scene reminiscent of when Old Gregg shows Howard his 'mangina' in The Mighty Boosh). I assumed she was happy to have come 2nd and would happily go back to her cat and maybe record one naf album. It was therefore a bit of a shock when it was reported that backstage after the show she threw water in the face of one of the production team and was screaming and swearing, something that was not denied by ITV. And now she's in a psychiatric unit 'recovering from exhaustion'.

She has learning difficulties and psychologists have since said that she hasn't got the mental capacity to cope with fame. But it isn't all the fault of the media or the public. Maybe the people in her hometown shouldn't have encouraged her to compete and maybe someone on the BGT team should have said "no, this woman shouldn't be made the focus of a TV show, it isn't right". Some people who get to 48 and haven't made it haven't made it for a reason. And if she'd been a hot young STABLE thing with the same voice no-one would have given a shit.