Rhydian, Ruben and Russell

Hi all to read this....which is precisely nobody I think. I am literally just writing to entertain myself. And I'm not even that entertained. Anyway...3 chaps with names beginning with R (R...the letter R) are the subject of today's blog!

RHYDIAN
Rhydian Roberts has quite simply the best voice I've heard on a reality TV singing competition. He has the whole package! An interesting look, a fantastic voice, top-class charisma and great manners....but in Saturday's X Factor final he was pipped at the post by the poor man's Gareth Gates (if such a thing exists). Leon bum-noted his way through White Christmas, perved his way through another off-key track, this time as a duet with Kylie Minogue who thankfully kept one eye behind her at all times, gave a decent, if completely identical to the orginal, portrayel of Michael Buble's You Don't Know Me and karaoked it through the winner's single, When You Believe. A few tears and one "better life for my mum" speech later, and schmaltz beat skills by a margin. Without bitterness, I look forward to seeing Rhydian as the lead in musicals for many years to come whilst Leon gets involved with Chanelle from Big Brother and OOPS snorts coke off a lapdancer's buttocks a little too close to a journalist's camera.

RUBEN
On my last contract as a pianist aboard cruise ship aka fucking ferry The Pride of Bruges, I met a croupier from Spain called Ruben. Well, he managed to stick it out on the FERRY about 2 weeks longer than I did and yesterday I met him in London where he begins the next chapter of life as a croupier. The poor guy met me at Kings Cross and I had the bright idea of taking him Hyde Park's Christmas fayre. Never mind that he was weighed down like Rik Waller's horse with all his luggage, we took the tube at rush hour to Oxford Circus and then I said, "Oh you can walk to Hyde Park really easily from here". Right. Two things wrong with that. 1) No you fucking can't and 2) Even if you could, poor Ruben was carrying 3 massive bags. Anyway, Ruben's first major taste of England was my mum and her friend, both pissed on mulled wine, giggling like idiots at such sights as the ferris wheel and something called The Gator Coaster. Hopefully he made it safely to his hostel last night and never has to experience anything as disturbing as my mum drunk again..."gosh this mulled wine's very strong!". Yes mum, yes it is.

RUSSELL
I was in the audience one day during the first series of Big Brother's Big Mouth, back when it was called Efourum. It was hosted by a newly-drug-free Russell Brand, at that time largely unstyled, largely unknown and incredibly funny....thankfully he managed to remain incredibly funny. I was in the audience and have pretty vivid memories of saying something that made him laugh and being given a Big Brother mug after the show....and he held my hand and said, "I'd love to see you again". This makes me a member of an elite group of probably around 40,000 women who have been vaguely chatted up by Russell Brand. I never watched the video back because I can remember how minging I'd looked on that day, July 28th 2004. I had passed my driving test that morning, been at a rehearsel for a musical all day, then rocketed across London to get to the Big Brother Efourum show that evening. I had bad hair and a shiny sweaty face. At 19 I hadn't discovered make-up...I certainly didn't bother with much of it....a bad oversight. For the first time since the show aired, I watched the video the other day. Yep...I don't think ol' Russ would have given me that mug and wanted to see me again if it had been today with all his stardom and skinny jeans and Booky Wook and sex-symbol-staus. Still....at least I'M looking better these days.....

The video clip will somehow be uploaded online soon for all and sundry to observe my moment of glory.

Hmmm.......the great reality TV debate!

I've started to wonder whether there might be something wrong with me.

Yes, hilariously the majority of you have sassily cried, "you've only started to wonder that NOW?!", you're really funny, all of you, seriously. Anyway, back to ME.

I was sitting in front of X Factor last night with some tears scurrying down my make-up-free cheeks because I was so caught up in the emotion of the show, whilst on BBC1 Strictly Come Dancing was Sky plussing itself up all nice and tight....suddenly I thought, "shit, I'm getting too into reality TV". This has been going on since the beginning of this fine millenium...I got way too into the first series of Big Brother in 2000, I remember watching the Nasty Nick-hiding-names-written-on-scraps-of-paper-in-his-suitcase saga and thinking, "this will be watched in many years to come, I am viewing LIVE a moment in history as momentous as Nelson Mandela being freed". A few weeks later, when the series was over and Craig had Liverpooled his way to the grand prize, I'd sort of forgotten all about Nick's antics (the memories briefly resurfaced when around Christmas he released a book that I BELIEVE was called How to be a Sneaky Bastard....I shan't be fact checking on Amazon). This cycle has continued to this very day. Almost every year with X Factor, Big Brother, Strictly Come Dancing and (once!) I'm a Celebrity... I get right behind a contestant and defend them as if they were my own child. This year in Big Brother it was Ziggy, last year it was Aisleyne...in Celebrity Big Brother a couple of years ago I was regularly in tears when JODIE MARSH got bullied....why did I care so much? It was Jodie Marsh! But I was all upset n shit over how she was treated by Barrymore and Pete Burns Victim (ha, I love that gag-name, even 2 years on)....I get ridiculously loyal to these complete strangers and god forbid some BASTARD I meet describe them as 'fake'. "How can you say that!?", I agressively snap, "You were probably a right bully at school weren't you, you fucking people never fucking change.". There's another friendship out the window, well done Sooz.

I'm willing to take a huge amount of flak for being such an unashamed fan of the incredible talent that is Rhydian off the X Factor. I know it's known by 'cool people' as a televised karaoke competition, but I say bring on the karaoke...my perfect evening out is at karaoke, so DEFINITELY put it on telly. I also know that people think he's an arrogant shit, but I've seen no sign of that whatsoever....maybe that means I'M an arrogant shit....shit! Don't care, Rhydian to win.

And as for Strictly Come Dancing...Alesha's husband must be kicking himself in the nuts on a weekly basis. I never intended to use this phrase in my life ever but....GO GIRL!

So...I suppose I should get to some sort of point. Without wishing to blow my own cornet, I have some decent A-levels and a good degree....I'm not some jobless chav or thick single mother ("WHAT'S WRONG WITH SINGLE MOTHERS?". Nothing. It's the thick ones I slagged off) sitting on my couch living for Saturday night where I can exclaim, "Shuddup Simon!" (Cowell obviously)....I'm what some might describe as a 'brain owner' and I am here to say that there is NO shame in getting behind reality TV.

Actually....my loyalty to my favourite reality TV stars of the moment is much akin to the bi-annual display of patriotism I also partake in whenever England are in an international football tournament. And jolly good fun it is too. As for next year's World Cup, all I can say is, thank god for the Olympics....there's still SOMETHING for me to get behind.

Welcome, one and all, welcome to my world of stuff!

Meet me, the Sooz. I've just returned from what can loosely be called a contract abroad.....it must have been a bit abroad because I needed my passport. I sang and played a grand piano for 3 hours a night on a ship in what can only be described as the Carribean (if by Carribean you mean the North Sea). I thought a blog was the way forward so I'll now introduce myself, but in a list style. Life would be nothing without lists.

10 things you never knew about Sooz (even if you know her a bit)

1. She's 5ft1
2. She has a cat called Freddie Mercury
3. She intends to live at home for as long as she can get away with it....£45 a week with free meals, washing, internet and adoration? I say yes!
4. This summer she spent 3 months in Ayia Napa, Cyprus as a Christina Aguilera tribute act. In this time she earnt a total of £400
5. She can't decide whether her ultimate goal is to be an established star of musical theatre OR to become the first ever female stand-up comic who is hailed as both funny and sexy (so far nobody has seen her as either of these things, so musical theatre star it is!)
6. She recently bought scarlet lipstick thinking it would bring her slightly closer to looking like a 1950s pin-up, but she just looked like the joker.
7. Contrary to what the fashion books would have you believe, leggings ARE her friend.
8. Choosing a Nokia 6300 back in March instantly made her 17% cooler
9. She rides horses and got a pony for her 8th birthday. You know all those girls who hanker after a pony? I was the posh little bitch who actually got one. He's now 19 years old and lives with some children and his name is Chockie.
10. Her cat was Jones in James Cameron's 'Aliens'. Yes. Really. Not Freddie Mercury, an earlier one. His name was Boris.

So now that you know all that you need to know, let the blogging commence. I aim to be considered the new Jesus by January....I'm already seeing the headlines...."Hilarious Blog-Girl Becomes Cult Figure Globally". I'll have my first single out by February and be an Oscar winner by March. Of course with a meteoric rise like that, I'll be desperately starring in reality TV shows by the Autumn. Andy Warhol was right. Not about the 15 minutes of fame thing....more about that film of the Empire State Building that lasts for 2 years. He made that film and NEVER ended up in Celebrity Big Brother, so I guess that's a little lesson for us all.