Russell Brand and Michael Jackson

So....Russell Brand and Michael Jackson. One is a big tall stand-up comedian who lots of people love and lots of people think is a weirdo. The other is terrifying incredibly lucky to be let off peado with a face made out of white blu-tac (but that's all OK because he sang Man in the Mirror once). Yeah, controversial, I think Michael Jackson is guilty of far more than he's been accused of, I'm edgy.

Anyway...the point is I've been close to them both now. Russell Brand emitted joy, warmth and humour. Michael Jackson emitted weird white blu-tac energy. I was working on Oliver! at the Theatre Royal on Friday night and had to battle my way through a load of paps every time I went out the stage door. I eventually found out that it was because Michael Jackson was in the audience. Yes, that's right, Michael Jackson wanted to see a show about a cute little boy with no real home. Hmmmmmmmm? Yeah? Hmmmmmmm? Right. Yes. Hmmmmm.

After the show the boss and I hit the street with the dogs in the show and tried to make a quick getaway in the car. Imagine our annoyance therefore when we got stuck alongside Michael Jackson's giant silver blacked-out windows fun-bus. For 20 minutes we were jammed in the street while he peered through the windows at us and our dogs. I kept giving him "wtf?" looks...not to be cool, but because that's all I felt. I didn't think "OMG, it's like seeing Elvis Presley in the flesh", I just felt "wtf?". I'm more starstruck every time I see Rowan Atkinson backstage at Oliver! playing Fagin. I was more starstruck when I met Jonathan Pryce....and Chris Moyles.....and when I sat next to Ian McKellen on the tube (it was the Jubilee Line). And when I saw Moss from The IT Crowd in the street.

So eff Michael Jackson, eff his hoax tour, eff his nose (that is clearly attached to those giant aviators he wears like a Groucho disguise), eff his boy love and eff the fact that just because he sang some great songs about 20 effing years ago people brush under the carpet the fact that he's twice been through very dubious child abuse cases, has a collapsed face through 8 zillion procedures and idolises Peter Pan. Eff it.